THE FANTASTIC SIX BILLION

"Hey.. what th!" said Scoop as he was picked up by Barber Boy.
"Well, well, well... we got 'im Boss!" said an elated Barber Boy.
"I'm *cough* bonding." said Perrywinkle.
"Oh! Bonding. He means he's got a secret plan, right boss?"
Perrywinkle's eyes narrowed.
"Oops? Well, better be going."
"That's right!" said Ping-Pong walking by with a new guy. "I found this guy - calls himself Telephone Man. Says he can contact the weather guys and get them to bring the ship here."
"Teflon Man, eh?" said Perrywinkle thinking for a moment, he turned and said to Scoop; "Just wait here with Television Man, okay? We're going to plot your capture and death, alright?"
"Yeah." said Scoop as coolly as possible.
Telephone Man looked a sorry sight. He stepped over to Scoop and said "Operator."
"Pardon?"
"Operator. You ask to see someone or something, and I can contact someone in the area to come get you and take you there."
"Well - Two Steps Ahead Of You Man!"
"Dialing... Beep-boop-boop-beep-boop-boop-bleep! Brrrring! Brrrring! Ah, hello? Yes, uh yes... uh no.... no. Yeah. Perrywinkle? Yeah, he's here. Okay. Love you too. Bye."
"What was that all about?"
"Two Steps and some guy who says he's Unbelievable are gonna be here any second."
"Good," thought Scoop. He was wrong.

Two Steps and Unbelievable Man showed up.
"Hey man, you like betrayed us."
"I was prepared for this." said Two Steps pulling out a suitcase that read 'Two Steps's Friend Back in a Minute or We Kill Him/Her Free Kit'.
"Hey - I'm on your side." said Scoop.
"Yeah, right. I heard everything." said Unbelievable.
"No, really - I'm honest."
"As he is, in terms of marriage." said Two Steps pointing at Perrywinkle. "He's not even married."
"I KNOW. I LIED TO HIM!"
Perrywinkle came over, ashamed.
"Son, you sit in the corner and think about what you've done. Sorry boys, Scoop's been bad. He can play tomorrow, though."
"Don't worry. We won't come back. We only come back for real friends." said Unbelievable Man.
"Hey - turns out I'd already used this kit, too." said Two Steps. The pair of them walked off, leaving Scoop who buried his money and easy bake oven in the ground sorrowfully.
Telephone Man looked down at him.
"You weren't lying, were you?"
"No."
"Operator." said Telephone Man, and winked.
"Get away from me." said Scoop "Or I'll hurt myself even more."

* * * * *

Cheap Shot went around the house, pulling out cutlery, oddly shaped coins and a bunch of gumballs and bouncyballs. Satisfied, he sat down on the couch and began pelting Average, which gave much pleasure to Happy.

"Yeeeeee!" cried Happy, and zoomed around the mushroom house.
"Ah well." said Oxymoron and walked into the outside world.
"So, what're we gonna do? I'm good. I don't even like Gaslum. And we don't have any food." said Cheap Shot non-comittally.
"ARRRG LORD OF THE RINGS!" screamed Freaky Kid.
"FLIES YOU IDIOT. LORD OF THE FLIES!" shrieked Sober ScienceGuy, and both began to roll on the ground, twitching.
"Eh, seems like a plan." said Walrus Man, and attempted to imitate them.
Suddenly, he recieved a message.
"Hello... this is the Operator. Walrus Man?"said a voice.
"Yeah, that's me. Who's this?"
"Hello... this is the Operator. I'm going to have to teleport you here - that all right with you?"
"I guess... I don't want to miss Gaslum, though."
"Alright. Make sure you don't have anything in your hands."
"Yeah, no problem. Hey guys! Guys! I'm teleporting or something." He went inside the house and shook hands with Cheap Shot and Oxymoron. Gripping their hands tightly, he said "I'm gonna miss you guys - even though I don't even know you."
"5..."
"What?"
"Operator. 3..."
"Hey... everything's woozy."
"2..."
"Lay off the drugs, man." said Cheap Shot.

All of a sudden, the world began to warp, the skies twisted and turned. The world spun and time flew by. A woman on a bicycle flew by screaming about getting them and their little dog, too. A car flew by, and lastly, a carton of Yogurt. When the world stopped spinning, they were outside a 24-hour café.
Telephone Man grinned. "Operator." he said "How may I help you?" Cheap Shot and Oxymoron stared around, perplexed.

Scoop stared, stunned. Why did these two look familiar?

Perrywinkle, Ping-Pong and Barber Boy walked over.
"Which one of you is Walrus Man?" asked Barber Boy.
"I am." said Walrus Man.
"Right, well - how would you like to help conquer the universe in the name of evil?"
"COOL!"
"Yeah. Turbulent Man, can you do that?" asked Perrywinkle.
"Operator. I don't conquer stuff."
"No!" sighed Perrywinkle "I mean use his evil energy to locate our missing ship."
"Operator. Dialing... beep-boop-boop-beep-boop-boop-bleep! Hello? Hello? Hello? I- ARRRRRGH!" Telephone Man collapsed to the ground, weary.
"What happened?" asked Ping-Pong.
"Your ship is lost in a Time Pretzel."
"A what?"
"I'll explain later. The future is about to meld with forever and universes are going to collide."
Scoop got up and ran in the direction that his friends had left him.
"SON! Get back here! Why you- that's it, mister! You are SO grounded!"

* * * * *

"Two Steps! Unbelievable! Guys! Come on! I was spying!" Scoop panted as he slowed down. They were far out of reach, now. He needed a way to find his friends again. Explain everything to them and help save the universe.

Oxymoron came running up behind him. "You got a problem or something?" he asked with insincere sincerity.
"Well," said Scoop, as he sat down against a wall "I'm a superhero, right? I'm trying to save the universe, and I can't do it without those guys. I've been part of that team since... forever."
"Wuss."
"What?"
"Nothing, continue."
"Well, I mean, they're the guys that could've saved the day. I need a team, y'know? I'm alone."
"Well... sometimes when we're alone we're all together."
"Huh?"
"Trust me. You know what to do."
"I do?"
"I hope so, because I don't."
"Oh... no, I can't. I failed. You'll have to get someone else."
Oxymoron sighed.
"You can't give up that easily - I mean, come on! You've got shovels for feet! You're a superhero! You can do it... or at least your part."
"Yeah. Yeah, I guess you're right. But I've gotta have my friends with me to save the day."
"I think you know what to do."
"My part..."
"Precisely. And my part is done." Oxymoron started to walk away.
"Wait! What should I do?"
"Find your friends. Do your part. I can't tell you anymore or the mystery behind me would disappear far too quickly."

'He looks familiar, too,' thought Scoop. 'Very familiar. Maybe I knew him?' He ran around the corner to find Oxymoron, but he wasn't there. Nothing but an empty alleyway.
"Typical." said Scoop.

* * * * *

While Perrywinkle, Ping-Pong, Barber Boy and Walrus Man discussed evil politics, Cheap Shot became bored and flipped the first coin. On one side, it featured what appeared to be an alligator being strangled by a boa constrictor while being eaten by a shark, and on the other, something resembling a tree with people hanging from it. After flipping it, he got the alligator side and decided this was good, and sat down at a table.

A waitress in a toga came out with two coffees and asked "Where'd the two gentleman go that were here before?"
Cheap Shot shrugged, and took down both coffees. "They bought those for me." he said. This place was not very interesting, but he recognized Ping-Pong, the man who hired him.

Why did they want to talk to Walrus Man, and why was the other superhero having a telecommunication seizure? Quite bored with it all, he kicked Telephone Man, who sat up and said "You see, 46 billion years ago, the time/space continuum became a giant salty pretzel, and overlapped itself many times and Mother Nature and Father Time divorced and ate a bit of the pretzel each, leaving disconnected bits lying around. That's why all this chaos is occuring - that and the fact that you guys are time-travelling and you can only exist in one era, there's all sorts of problems revolving around the natural course of history! *gasp*"
"Thanks... you must be Captain Obvious." scoffed Cheap Shot.
"Operator." said Telephone Man.
"That's worse than the Tea-Cup Kid... you've hit the lowest of low with that superhero name, and while you're at it, get a facial and a haircut, because what you've got? Isn't looking good."
"Operator."
"Oh shut up."

"Okay, everybody," announced Barber Boy "We're going to tap Walrus Man's superpower to call our ship into this era using the answering machine and Telephone Man's powers."
"Right." said Perrywinkle, totally unsure of what was going on.
"You guys have to hold hands, though." said Ping-Pong indicating Walrus Man and Telephone Man. And it was so. And there was much superpower exchanged.

In a few flashes, a few ka-booms, a few bams, zaps, and biffs, the ship was there, in all its glory, hovering above the city.

"Perfect!" said Perrywinkle.
"Looks like crap to me, not perfect." said Cheap Shot.
"You!" said Ping-Pong "You're a failure - couldn't even kill a bunch of superheroes."
"And you couldn't either."
"That's besides the point."
"No it's not."
"Shut up... let's go."

Scoop rushed in to find them climbing the walls and trees and standing on each other trying to reach the ship.
"Whoah, what's going on?" he asked.
"A bunch of idiots are trying to play vertical twister, it looks like." said Cheap Shot.
"Oh... well. I'm here to save the universe."
"Right. Well, good luck - judging by worst-name-in-the-universe boy here, you'll need it."
"I just have to do my part."
"Who fed you that crap?"
"You know I don't know?"
"Didn't think so."
"Fine... but I've got some superstuff to do."
"Fine." said Cheap Shot, and sat down again.

The villains began to finally board their spaceship off a trampoline that had just seemed to appear at the ready. Scoop stared at them.
"They've won?"
"Not yet, they haven't." said a voice from behind him.
"HUH?!" gasped Scoop spinning around. It was Two Steps and Unbelievable.
"Yeah, some guy told us what you said... emotional boy."
"Hey shut up, I was just using it to get you guys."
"SO YOU ARE A TRAITOR!" "No! I... yeah, alright. I'm not much without you guys."
Unbelievable Man went teary eyed and sobbed "I'm nothing without you guys either."
"You guys aren't much with each other." said Cheap Shot.
"Hey - maybe you're right." said Two Steps.
"Maybe." said Cheap Shot sarcastically.
"Yeah," said Scoop "We'll get more help. We're not much, just us three, but lots of us can take them down no problem!"
"So who are we gonna get and how?" asked Unbelievable.
"I don't know... this guy seems pretty tough. How about you?" asked Scoop to Cheap Shot.
"Well... give me a reason that I care about."
"He really is tough. We'll get him later. Who else can we get?"
"Well what age has the most superheroes?" asked Unbelievable.
"I'm already calling someone." said Two Steps.
"Operator... beep-boop-boop-beep-boop-boop-bleep! Brrrring! Brrrring! Hello? Yes, a superhero. Wrong number? Well, you sure do have a sexy voice. ... What? ... oh. Damn. Hi mom."
"Don't need to know." said Scoop "We've gotta find some Superheroes. You!" he pointed at Cheap Shot.
"Me!"
"Yes, what era are you from?"
"Something like 73659375.5836 billion years ago."
"Ah, okay. Well, for your service, here's my "Weaver's Badge" from Superhero camp."
"OOH! WOWEE!" said Cheap Shot sarcastically, and tossed it away.
"Fine." said Scoop grabbing the badge. "We'll go without you."
"Operator." said Telephone Man.
"Wait. You guys are probably going to destroy the past leaving me with no TV to watch or idiots to watch them make mistakes. I'll help, but I'm going to a few other planets, first."
"How?"
"Operator." said Telephone Man.
"You're using him?"
"I guess."
"Who are you...?"
"Call me Cheap Shot. All my enemies do."
"Oh well, uh... hi Cheap Shot." said Scoop.
"We've gotta be going." said Two Steps "Seeya."
"I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL!" screamed Cheap Shot. "Come on, we all know the only way to do this is brute force. I'm going to the ship."
"Fine. Bye."

And with that, the heroes were launched away. Scoop's crew back to the group of Kmanman, Average White Guy, Freaky Kid, Sober ScienceGuy, Lactose Intolerant Guy and Happy McContemplation.

Cheap Shot was sent into the library of the weathership, and the evil villains to the observatory of the weathership.

Telephone Man launched himself to the past, and became a guest on 'Gaslum'.

* * * * *

The other superheroes sat in the mushroom house, realizing it had ITV (Intergalactic Television) and were peacefully watching the opening of 'Gaslum'.

The superheroes switched on the television to reveal 'Gaslum', the three-eyed, two tongued, one eared and three toed talk show host that didn't actually have guests on a regularly basis.

"Hello, and welcome to Gaslum. I'm Gaslum. Today we have... and we'll be right back." As the screen cut to commercials, the superheroes were engrossed in the watching of this that they did not see Unbelievable Man and Two Steps walk into the room.

When the show returned from 'Leaky Pete's Anti-Skeptic Anti-Septic' commercial, Telephone Man was in the chair in front of Gaslum. The superheroes stared, awestruck. The first Gaslum guest. Ever. In all thirteen seasons of the show, not one guest had ever been aired, but now? Well, there it was.

Gaslum looked just as shocked, as he turned to the camera he asked "Who the hell do we have today?"
"Operator."
"Did I ask you?"
"Dialing..."
"Okay, we have a man who thinks he's a telephone ladies and gentleman! Let's get him off the stage!"
Telephone Man stared and said; "Actually, this is a universal call to-"
"Must be a huge long distance bill, eh?" interrupted Gaslum hitting his 'laughtrack' button.
"Yeah, whatever, it's to all the superheroes out there who care about the future."
All the superheroes burst out laughing. Gaslum said "Oh my, we have a caller for you, telephone boy."
"Man."
"You keep telling yourself that..." (laughtrack button) "Go ahead, caller."
"Hi," said a staticky voice "This is Barbara from Western Bahamana. I have a question."
"Operator."
"Shut up," said Babara "I just want to know, how super do they have to be?"
"Well, they've gotta have the power to fight the ultimate evil in the universe."
"My brother in-law can be super annoying." (laugh track)
"Operator."
"Whatever... why should we save your future, anyway?"
"Because it's not just my future. It's the future evil, good and our children."
The laugh track wasn't necessary this time, all over the universe, people were cracking up.
"...and the future of television."

Silence. Average dropped a pin. The sound was heard. Gaslum fell over in a shock. The superheroes stared for long moments at the screen.
"Let's... *gasp, choke* go to a commercial break." said Gaslum from under his desk.

* * * * *

Cheap Shot examined the books in the library. They seemed to be endless pages of information concerning the construction of a better mouse trap and the building of the station. He eventually found a small map. The ship was fairly linear. The observation deck was ahead of him, he was in the library, and the time travel computer deck was behind him. Past that were the sleeping quarters, temperature controls, radio broadcast room, and the wings, which controlled the ships direction. These were labelled "EAST" and "WEST" and positioned accordingly. Thier positions were controlled from the time travel computer deck and had to recieve an official notice from the radio room before the people in the sleeping quarters would wake up and change the location manually after the computer had an error, and had to reboot.

Taking this and a complimentary mint, he headed back to the shelves, contemplating his next move. If he could somehow find a way to save himself while blowing up the ship...

* * * * *

Perrywinkle walked after Scoop who was running frantically back to the moles. "Oh come on, son. I didn't mean all those nasty things about your friends!"

Eventually he gave up and sat on a log that turned out to be a very tall man, who was instantly crushed and killed. Tired out, Perrywinkle fell asleep.

Scoop dug down underground where he met up with the M-18's who had dug to his easy bake oven and money and gotten it back for him.

"I need more help."
"Typical."
"I have to do something super-duper."
"Well, seeing as we are in a time-loop..."
"A what?"
"A time loop. Mother Nature and Father Time have been fighting for ages, and occasionally Father Time sets the clock back to the good old days."
"Oh."
"Why don't you go talk to him?"
"Where is he?"
"At the left foot of the Hargabarr Solar System."
"Way cool... you coming?"
"I'll be your conscience. And always let your conscience be your guide."
"I can't whistle, though."
"Scream for help, then."

And the two set off to find Father Time.

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