THE FANTASTIC SIX BILLION

Assuming the figure in the dark was Scoop, Perrywinkle slammed him down and stared down at him. It wasn't Scoop. It was Scoop's henchman.
He grabbed him by the collar and held him up.
"Where's Scoop?"
The people scattered.
"W-what? I d-don't know what you're talking about!" said Two Steps.
"SCOOP!"
"I told you, I don't have one." said the old woman.
Perrywinkle ate the old woman and then proceeded to interrogate Two Steps.
"Now... where is he?" he spat.
"I don't know!"
Perrywinkle slapped him across the face.
"Fine... he's at the M-18's base."
"Where's that?"
"It's... no. I wouldn't betray him."
"IMPUDENT RUTABAGA!" roared Perrywinkle and tossed him through a second story window.

He was angry again, and thundered down the path, and where he went the ground shook. He paused for a moment, wondering what a rutabaga was before proceeding.

* * * * *

Two Steps woke up in an office, barely alive, and dazed. He didn't know what a rutabaga was. In the room was a man who seemed to be striking more than seventy-two poses in under ten seconds.

"Uh-ugh... my head." he groaned.
"Yes, I don't think it looks nice, either." said the fast-moving man.
"Scoop - you gotta help Scoop."
"Scoop?"
"Scoop."
"Sorry, don't have one."
Two Steps groaned again. This joke was getting repetitive and lame.
"No, he's a superhero. If he doesn't get help, the universe is doomed."
"It's been post-doom years for quite some time now."
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Well, in the Age of Volcanic Domination, there was a war in space between lobsters and hamsters and then we ended up with a lot of cherry bombs. Then there was a weather epidemic... it's still going on. 100% accurate, too."
"You mean... they won?"
"Who? The weather epidemic was the television channels only getting one station and it's 100% accurate weather. Strange thing is, no one's broadcasting it. We just hear a voice."
"Then we've already lost and this is... the future? But we went back in time! But no visual? Maybe we won!"
"Sure you did. Yeah, whatever. You rest those wounds now, and we'll fix you in the morning. I have a number for a time-talking specialist. By the way, you're gonna pay for that hole in my floor."
"This is the second floor."
"Third, actually. But rest now. We'll have you some oatmeal when you wake up." But Two Steps was already eating it.

* * * * *

Cheap Shot did asked;
"So... anyone got a better plan than jumping to almost certain death?"
But none had a better plan. So they all jumped, and the supernova that should never have occurred did, and the superheroes were sent flying across the universe to the planet Zantar. Present day. The houses looked like mushrooms, and there was many fields. They were outside a farmer's field it looked like, but the crops seemed to be many rutabagas. Strange.

"Well, what do we do now?" asked Average.
"How about eat?" said Freaky Kid.
"Done and done." said Lactose Intolerant Guy, swallowing the pig's tail.
"You ate our food."
"OH MY SWEET GHERKINS LORD OF THE FLIES!" screamed Sober ScienceGuy and collapsed to the ground, twitching.

"Right, well... let's figure out what to do now. Our home planet's back there, and I'm going to miss Gaslum, he's a talk show host, eh." said Kmanman.
"GASLUM! I totally forgot! We can't miss Gaslum!" shrieked Happy.
"We've got to get back to our home planet and watch Gaslum." said Freaky Kid.
Walrus Man looked up. "How?" he asked.

* * * * *

Meanwhile, Perrywinkle continued to smash the paved road stones with his massive feet. "THE LOBSTER!" he bellowed, and continued on his way.

Scoop could hear his feet stomping. He needed help now.
"Unblievable Man, you ready?"
"Friday night fright night movie, right?"
"Wrong. Perrywinkle's coming."
The colour drained from both their faces. It seemed their luck had run out.

As Perrywinkle tightened hs jaw, he held the spatula he'd miraculously found jabbing out of the ground furiously shaking with rage. It was like he was suddenly going to turn into the incredible hulk, or some super-thing, but he can't until a higher level, so he didn't. He looked around, his head swooping back and forth in the dark. Suddenly, he received a pair of shovels to the back. Scoop backflipped off him and landed behind him.

"Unbelievable Man! Now!" roard Scoop. "Huh?" said Perrywinkle turning to face whatever was approaching from what he thought would be the other side, but nothing came and he took another shovel to the back.

Unbelievable Man leaped in off cue and fell to the floor, flat on his face.

"Hahaha! Now it's time for a... whatever it's called." said Perrywinkle advancing menacingly.
"Can't we just settle this like adults?"
"We're superheroes."
"Oh yeah..."
"Nevermind."
As the two circled each other, Unbelievable Man got up and woozily walked away, tripping over a rock as he left and was knocked unconscious.
"Figures..." muttered Scoop.

Perrywinkle's feet thudded against the ground, shaking Scoop's stance. He advanced sooner and sooner. Perrywinkle jumped forward, knocking Scoop back, as he tripped over, he saw the ground where he'd just been standing be pummeled into a small crater. Swallowing, he got up to face Perrywinkle again.

* * * * *

Ping-Pong and Barber Boy sat down at a 24-hour outdoor caf� and ordered a coffee each. There didn't seem to be too much going on tonight. If they didn't find Scoop, it wasn't a big deal until the future, right?

When along came the 2:00am newspaper, and it was hurled at them. Barber Boy opened it and began to read the comics.
"Say... what day is it?" asked Ping-Pong.
"Says Thursday."
"What month?"
"May."
"What year?"
"4236575064967496 and then some, why?"
Ping-Pong gasped. He looked around wild eyed and then back at Barber Boy.
"Don't you understand? We're millions of years ahead of OUR time!"
"Then... we lost? No weather dominance?"
"If we weren't there to cause any problems, there was no problem, or weather problems!"
"Er... Boss isn't going to be too pleased, is he?"
"No."
"Uh, well... let's just not tell him."
"No, how about we find a way back to our own time so we can commit those evil deeds?"
"Quite a plan."
"Not really. It's in the script and plot outline."
"Shhh..."

* * * * *

Average and Cheap Shot wandered off into the nearest house. This 'Zantar' was weird already. Already they'd seen very little. On other planets, they could see huge distances.

Once inside the house, Cheap Shot found the nearest bowl of "Jackeroo Monster Dunk Crusty Flakes" and began to munch it down. This cereal blows, he thought to himself.

Average began calling about the house.
"Hello? ... Hello?"
"Eeh, eeh, eeh heh heh..." it was a young man - couldn't be more than four years older than Average. He seemed to have a smile that said "Hello." and a face that said "Goodbye." Quite odd.
"Sorry to, er... intrude." said Average.
"There you go, causing problems everywhere." sighed Cheap Shot.
"No, no trouble." said the man. He waved his arm as though it was saying "Come in and make yourselves welcome, get out, and I'm gonna send you to hell... by the way, I love you." all at the same time.

They went in and sat down on a couch that appeared to be made of purple jelloton. It was extremely comfortable.
"Who are you then?" the man said with his "Hello/Goodbye" smile and face.
"Uh, I'm Average White Guy, and this is Cheap Shot. We're superheroes." replied Average.
"Superheroes is it? Well, I guess I'd better introduce myself. I'm Oxymoron."
"Dear, who's downstairs?" came a voice from somewhere else in the mushroom house.
"Nothing to worry about - something about a Cheap White Guy and superheroes."
"Well make it quick. You have work to slack off."
"Fine... anyhow, what can I do for you two?"
"Well - we'd like to watch our favourite television show - Gaslum."
"GASLUM? The satan of talk show hosts?"
"Well, um, yeah."
"Oh alright then. What d'you want me to do?"
"Transport us back to our home planet."
"HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! Sorry, no can do. All I've got is a tractor. You could try Adverb & Verb down in the valley. You might find them difficult to catch, though. They're Running, Quickly."

The two groaned at the horrible pun. Gaslum was necessary, though. And there was still unknown evil that was now overtaking their planet in their absence. They had to get back, but Zantar didn't seem to have much in the ways of technology.

* * * * *

Two Steps woke up, noticing the room had become what looked like a dance studio. The man was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he was in another room. Regardless, Two Steps took his chance and lunged down through the hole in the floor. He landed with a thud, and the shock of a small pigeon man that lived there. He didn't care, though. It was still dark out. What was important was that he get to Scoop and tell him they were in the future.

He leaped out the window and into the street, where nobody appeared to be. Which way? Which way to go?

He took a left and went straight down the road running as fast as he could. He hadn't fully recovered, though. He soon became out of breath.

Happy McContemplation wandered in and, seeing the crazy furniture, had a moment of panic and suddenly realized:
"HEY GUYS! WE GOT OUR BODIES BACK!"
And the superheroes rejoiced for a full-forty seconds. And then they stopped.
"So, what's up?" said Happy.
"We're supposed to catch a thesaurus, apparently."
"Sure."
"Thesaurus. You'll catch him, don't worry. Just be careful when you do." said the man.
"No problem. Mind if we chill here?"
"Terror delight." said Oxymoron.

* * * * *

Unbelievable man woke up. He looked over to see Scoop in battle stance, ready to join until Perrywinkle said, past heavy breathing (obvious tiredness):
"SCOOP... I... AM... YOUR... FATHER. Join me, and we'll rule the weather!"
Thinking fast, Scoop said "Yeah, okay."
"And give me my ship."
"What ship?"
"Whatever. Who cares? No I-er-we'll rule the universe! And your mother has been worried sick about you."
"Mom?"
"Yeah - I'm your father, remember?"
"Oh - right! Hah... um dad, I need a raise on my allowance."
Scoop scrawled some writing on a paper, and Perrywinkle handed him imaginary money, hoping to win him over.
"There son, what do you know?"
"Who cares?"
"Now, write that letter to your mom..."

"Hm... alright:
"Dear Mom Still have shovels for feet. Fought dad to the death couple a times. Please send more money.
Love, Scoop"

"Aw... well, son, how has life been treating you?"
"Um... I'm okay dad, oh and sorry about that whole blinding you with my thumb thing yesterday... so dad, still fat huh?"
"I prefer chunky... and it's all muscle son."
"Gee, I hope someday I will be as strong as you!"

Perrywinkle stared off into space, blinked once or twice and then looked at Scoop.
"I'm sorry, were you talking son?"

Unbelievable Man did a double-take to a close-up camera shot from Toga Movies Inc. Scoop betray them? Why? He had to let Two Steps and the M-18's know right away. He scurried off, unnoticed.

Perrywinkle and Scoop walked towards the village.
"We'll have to head back to my ship."
"Okay, how?"
"I'm a Boss, not a scientist."
"Ah, silly me."

Ping-Pong and Barber Boy ran in.
"Yo! We're in the future!" said Barber Boy "Uh, I mean... we're just, um, passing through."
"It's okay," said Perrywinkle "We just have to go back to where you guys parked the ship."
"Uh... right. Later!" said Ping-Pong, and the two ran off, desperately in search of someone who could bring their ship across time.

Perrywinkle noticed a small 24-hour caf� in the night.
"Coffee?"
"Uh, sure." said Scoop.

Scoop began his work, his first task to get his easy bake oven back. He chided and prodded at Perrywinkle's rolls of fat. He thought Perrywinkle wasn't his dad, but hey - he was getting free coffee out of it.

Reaching up into the armpit regions, Perrywinkle turned and asked;
"What the hell are you doing?" as earnestly as possible.
"Uh, dad," he sniffed convincingly "I want my easy bake oven back."
"OH! No problem, li'l buddy. Here ya go." pulling an easy bake oven out of his left side, he handed it to Scoop. It was in good condition, and Scoop was delighted, as any superhero would be, with the oven.

Now that he had the oven, he began to wonder how he could somehow foil Perrywinkle's evil plan. Superheroes and Supervillains aren't easy to kill, after all.

"Dad? Can I have some real money?" said Scoop looking up at him.
"Damn." muttered Perrywinkle "He's on to me."
But he agreed, convinced he'd won him over. Grabbing some money from a charity collection bin he said "Here."

Scoop had money, an easy bake oven, and a fake mom and dad. The only thing he really needed now, he realized, were his friends to come and get rid of Perrywinkle.

He briefly wondered where his two companions were, and then became immersed with his oven.

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